Per my usual rule, no spoilers in my review.
Allright. Were getting down to brass tacks on this one ladies and germs. I just have no tolerance for a good review on this movie after seeing it and all its gonna get from me is a quick and dirty without even the deceny for a reach around. Gavin hood directed it and it was fucking awful. You would have to work harder than a triple cunted hooker at a naval base when the entire fucking royal fleet is getting dry docked in singapore to make this any worse than it was.
Direction: Well, it fucking sucked. I saw a independant film at a horror convention once called "Cock Hammer" and its directing was about as on par for quality as this was. The entire thing was basically "point camera at actors, turn on camera, turn off camera when done" and thats it. Well they did throw in a few long pullbacks shots during a supposedly dramatic scene I think and the end would have been shot from a helicopter had it not bee shot in a fucking studio infront of a god fuck damned green screen.
Storyline: They basically took the mini series Origins which was the telling of Wolverine and how he was as a boy, the birth of his mutant abilities, his parents, his first love, how he learned to become such an animal at heart and how he lost his geniune child innocence. They took that and condensed it down into about 96 seconds of film and took off with the rest of their bullshit parade. The story if you want to call it that was a torrent of diarhea free flowing from a three toed sloths ass. It had a couple actually good ideas in there but they just got buried by all the bad ones. All in all the very most basic plot of the movie wasnt to bad and could have been good but it was just used and abused so much that it didnt matter in the end, whatever first draft version of the script was damaged goods when it was over. Oh and evidently in this prequel a shitload of people met eachother but have no reccolection of said meeting when the first movie was made.
Acting: The acting is non-exsistent, it was nailed into a box and thrown over a cliff along with all the practical effects equipment. So instead Ill just talk about the characters some. Well they had Wolvie of course which was played just as well as anyother time Jackman has done him, he makes a good wolverine Ill give him that. The rest of the characters were either awful or just felt very uncomfortable. Sabertooth, he was ok, Liev Schriber who played him is actually a good actor and he did a fine job the problem was his character was written very poorly. The other big name from the X-Men was Gambit, he was a fucking joke to be honest. They had him flipping CG cards over his head which wasnt as laughable as his attempt at being a suave cajun, it was painfull to watch him try and fake that accent. But again, the character was written poorly. One of the worst was the Blob, they made him the poor bastard unlucky enough to be the movies comic relief so they kids can laugh when he farts, he was basically a really badly done version of a fatsuit from one of Eddie Murphys horrible Flubber movies. Anyway, the chacters fucking sucked. Next!
Effects: Oh fuck the effects! Man they were awful. It was your basic crap infront of green screen and they used so many CG effects it make the actual real part of the film look cheap. The entire thing felt very fake and very poorly concieved. I really did hate all the damned computer effects, they detracted from the film a great deal, especially at the reactor in the end and even worse when last guy shows up to help the escape'es. He looked like a cheap sci-fi channel CG alien or something.
Overall: It fucking sucked (Ive said that alot but its hard for me to come up good analogies when I hated this movie so much). You know how I know when a movie fucking sucked? When I have checked my watch multiple times during the movie to see what time it was and my mind was wandering occasionally to other things I needed to do when I got home. I did the same things during Superman Returns and Ghost Rider and we see how those movies went also. Dont see it, dont rent it, dont buy the dvd or anything else. Its purely just a hollywoodized summer blockbuster, brainless/mindless, safe and aimed strictly at the movie goers who sit eyes glued to the screen and shovel popcorn in their faces the whole time and think the Transformers movie was actually good. Yes Ive heard people say that this is a good movie for a comic book movie, but its only that good if youve set your fucking expectations so low a contortionist limbo dancer's clit piercing would hit the limbo bar while going under it. I would assume just nail my dick to a burning barn than watch this again, The End!
I give it a 2 out of 10 stars.
Trailer: http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox/wolverine/ I wouldnt bother though because the trailer makes it look serviceable. But after youve seen the movie and seen what a liar the trailer is youll come to figure out the trailer was like a nice pretty Cadburys Creme Egg someone gave you but when you take a bite you notice they have removed the cremey sweet center and replaced it with Branston Pickle, then you throw up.
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